Sunday, November 11, 2012

Dating Site Lesson 1


Alright people, sit down and pay attention because you're about to get schooled. I'm going to give you a little lesson on what not to do on dating sites.

Now, I'm currently single because I spend my time running around fantasy worlds in my head and writing novels about them, or painting/drawing trying to become a Disney artist without any actual education that'll cost me any money. Anywho, sometimes I get bored and so I'll sign up on a dating site just to get some lulz about who they pair me up with. In the short amount of time that I've used them, I've learned a lot about why I could never use one seriously. There are a lot of reasons, but I won't go into them right now because the main one is this: most guys on the dating sites, whether they think they are/want to be or not, are tools. And if they aren't tools, they might come off that way due to their poor photo use. Yes, today's lecture is on photos. More specifically, the top three that I noticed first while going through profiles.

Luckily, today I found a guy guilty of all three offenses.

Alright, rule number 1: Don't post pictures of you and your pets.


We know you love your pets, otherwise you wouldn't have them, and it doesn't show us girls that you're caring and sensitive when you're shoving a helpless animal in your face against it's will so use can take a photo showcasing your affection. All I see when I come across a photo like this is the "Why is my owner doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" expression in your dog's face or the "I hate you so much that I'm going to hack up a fur-ball into your shoes once you go to sleep" glare in your cat's face.
Usually there's a place on your profile to say whether you like cats or dogs, and marking one or both is good enough. Just like you don't want to sit on a date with a girl who does nothing but talk about her fifteen cats (no idea why she doesn't have a boyfriend yet), we don't want to see a photo of you and your pet. We get it, you like animals.

Also, don't get me wrong, I'm one of those crazy old cat ladies stuck in a 20 year old's body. I have a cat, and I love him, his name is Gambit after Remy Lebeau from the X-men. He's beautiful, and I can't quit fawning over him, but I know not everyone will love my cat, and I'm crazy enough without shoving a death glaring, angry cat into my profile photos.
Also, if you're going to put pictures up, only put pictures up that actually show you, preferably you face; this would be Rule number 2.


Looking at this, I don't see whatever accomplishments I assume these stand for. All I think of it "I still don't know what this guy looks like without a dog embedded into his cheek.
By the way, it's also much worse in my book if it's your dog or your car/bike. Like I said, we get it, you love your dog.
P.S. he did have a photo of just his dog, but I'll spare you. You know what it looks like from his main photo.

Rule number three, and possibly the worst in my book.
The "I am one nice hunk of man... seriously, just look at how great my body looks! I mean, I'm SMOKIN'!" photo.


Yes, we've all seen this on every douchbag's facebook page that we're friends with even though we know they're scum. That classic shirtless photo taken by yourself with your phone in a mirror. Also bonus points if you're only wearing a towel, or making an effort to hold your shirt up to showcase your hot abs. Even more bonus points added if you've got a terribly messy living space behind you or a giant trashcan that's bigger than any trashcan I own overflowing with trash.
Guys, if you want an actual relationship that's not solely based on looks, and you want a girl to be attentive to how sensitive you are, or how you're a good listener, or whatever wonderful traits you've decided you have (and probably do have), don't put your body out there like that because the only girls who'll be impressed by those photos, are the girls who just want to use you.
The girl version of this is when a girl takes a photo with her boobs hanging out, or a dress that any normal girl would wear as a shirt, and then she whines about how no guys respect her and they just want to get in her pants. We all know it's stupid, and there's no double standard here.  I guess if you're looking for chick to hook up with or whatever, then you can do whatever you want. Go ahead and show off your super hot bod if all you want is girl's who will use you for it, which I realize most men are fine with, but some are actually looking for meaningful, long term relationships, and that's really who I'm talking to anyway.

Anyway, I think that's it for my lecture, so you can put your notebooks away.

Also, this photo deserves an honorable mention:




Seriously, what is going on? The angle doesn't show his face well, and makes his stomach flabby instead of toned which, as we saw earlier, they are, and his junk (even though that's not what it is...at least I hope it's not) look as black as Satan's heart. And it only leaves me with on question: Why on earth are you wearing a towel around your hips when you're apparently wearing pants/underwear? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Anyway, I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, and I'm not trying to attack this guy personally, he's just one of the hundreds of guys I see making these mistakes. He just happened to be the unlucky one that I found first when looking for images to illustrate my little rant here. I'm not here to hurt these guys, I'm here to educate.
So if you're guilty of one or any of these, STOP. Take the photos off your profile, and take better photos.

A good way to combat these mistakes is to find a friend who's a girl, or a guy for that matter, anyone with a decent or artsy bone in his body, to snap a couple of photos of you. Try one of you standing outside with you dog sitting in the background like you both are actually enjoying your life together, not trying to conjoin to each other's face, or doing something you enjoy (as long as we can still see your face) or I don't know, sitting somewhere and possibly SMILING? Remember that on a dating site, even if we don't want to admit it, all of us judge a person on how they look. If a girl sees a guy's profile and it's great, but all the photos are bad, or they're not attracted to the way they look, they'll be much less likely to contact you. Also, don't leave out photos altogether, we want to see what you look like! We want to see what you look like when you're enjoying your life, not when you're trying to show off, or going out of your way to be goofy, or enforce some personality trait you have/think you have, and we certainly don't want to see you looking upset or angry.
Get someone to go out with you on a nice day and snap a few photos, they don't have to be Ansel Adams, just someone who can push a button, and for heaven's sake, use a camera. Not a phone, a camera. Unless you have an excellent phone camera, cellphone photo qualities are often terrible, and we want to see what you actually look like, not hat some dark, pixelated version of you looks like. And just have fun. Like I said, we want to see you enjoying yourself. Girls don't often fantasize about being with a guy who's always brooding and hates the world and everything in it (unless of course, you're Bella Swan).

Anyway, I think I'm done. I imagine I've ticked off enough people for today, and like I said, I'm not trying to attack the guy in the photos, or anything, so if you happen to read this, thank you for allowing me to use your photos to demonstrate how to make your odds at online dating better (because you totally had a say in the matter), thank you very much for serving in our country (seriously, fantastic men like you serve our country every day so cowards like me don't have to, and for that I'm eternally grateful and you have my respect regardless of anything else), and I'm sure you're a decent guy, just get some better photos, please?
ALSO (somewhat unrelated rant coming your way), if you're a hardcore atheist who just wants to get into some girl's pants, or a "christian" for that matter who just wants to get into some girl's pants, or ANY religion, belief system or WHATEVER, don't go to a girl's profile where she clearly states that she is a Christian (or otherwise), looking for her future husband or just some friends, or whatever, and completely disregard her profile by sending her messages like "hey baby, wanna hook up?" or "hello beautiful, want to text and get to know each other?" No. No we don't. Stop wasting your time and theirs with messages you know are pointless.

That's it for today's lesson, but stay tuned for the "I LOVE ALCOHOL SO MUCH I CAN'T POSSIBLY KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY FACE LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE ONE STINKIN' PHOTO OF MY SELF TO SHOWCASE TO FIND MY FUTURE WIFE!" and the "Look at me, I'm asleep on this pillow, but I'm not actually asleep because I'm clearly taking the photo! But you'll never notice that because you're too enthralled with my seductive sleeping pose!" and many more!

-Sincerely, Cyn.